Breaking News: Archaeologists Find Traces of A Gay Man in Iran

Scientists have found what appears to be a bootleg copy of a Cher CD left behind from Pootie-Poot's last visit to the great democracy of the Middle East.

To recap, newspapers across the world went haywire in 2006 when awkward footage of President Putin kissing the stomach of a five-year old boy was released to the international press (click here for video). According to reports, the boy was simply visiting the Kremlin as part of a tour group when his leader decided to go in for the kill. Poor kid didn't even see it coming.

When questioned about this incident, a BBC article quoted Putin's response as the following: "he [the boy] seemed very independent and serious...I wanted to cuddle him like a kitten and it came out in this gesture. He seemed so nice". CREE-PY.

That same year, Putin took a swipe at President Bush during the annual G-8 summit, mocking the notion that Iraq was the kind of democracy that any country would want to model itself after (click here to see the diss).

Hmmm...so it appears that Iraq does not have the kind of democracy that Putin would "like to see" Russia become. Perhaps Pootie-Poot could follow in the footsteps of Iran with a helping hand from his friend, Ahma "too short" dinejad. And, in fact, I think this is what the two dictators (presidents) were discussing when Putin spent time in Tehran last year.

But...nah...could it be? I mean, the idea of these leaders joining forces is scandalous. AS IF Iranian intelligence would allow a homosexual to infiltrate their Seacrest-free nation.

Putin's Approach to Democracy

Last week, the Voice of America reported that President Putin signed into law some new restrictions on national referendums.
Specifically, he has changed existing rules to make sure that matters of national importance, like budgeting and taxation, are permanently off the table.

Wow...you got to give this guy credit. He'll fight to the death to make sure the voice of Russian citizens are silenced. It's so inspiring, so emotional, so...something. In fact, his philosophy on democracy reminds me of a movie I saw recently...

It's Getting Hot In Here

The "duct tape bandit" is not the only person who has found himself in a sticky situation this week. It's been a rough time for Pootie-Poot, too. Reports have surfaced regarding the escalation of tensions between Russia and Georgia after the latter charged Russia with using a MIG fighter jet to shoot down one of its reconnoissance drones over the separatist territory of Abkhazia on April 20th.

According to an article in the New York Times, the Russian Air Force denied Georgia's claim, stating that none of it's fighter pilots flew near the border that day or even worked that day. Unfortunately for Russia, though (but fabulous for me), Georgia has released the video recording of the last minutes of the unarmed reconnoissance plane, showing what happened right before it was struck by an air-to-air missile (click here to see this video).

The article goes on to describe the video, saying that it "shows the clear silhouette of a twin-tailed fighter aircraft, which the Georgians claim was a MIG-29 fighter jet, as it banks into view beneath the remotely piloted drone and fires a missile towards the camera". It just doesn't get better than this. Even OJ's defense team would have been stumped.

In any case, during President Putin's telephone conversation with Georgian President Mikheil Saakashvili, the latter stated that Putin neither "denied nor confirmed the attack and that the two presidents had disagreed sharply over the status of Abkhazia and South Ossetia", two separatist enclaves in Georgia that officials have charged Russia with aiding.

Only a week before this incident happened, Putin had issued a decree stepping up relations between Russia and the two breakaway regions, promising "direct contact with Russia's foreign ministries and pledges of economic and agricultural aid". Georgia, of course, believed such rhetoric was indicative of a "creeping annexation".

In its official response, the Russian Air Force has not denied that a Georgian drone was downed by an air-to-air missile, but it said that an Abkhaz L-39 training plane had flown the mission (not a Russian MIG).

Hmm...I don't know, Oscar the Grouch, what do you think? Oscar knows trash. Oscar loves trash. Oscar smells trash.

Got Vodka?

An article published in Pravda last month reported on the popular trend among Russia's elite politicians to stay away from hard liquor. Instead, a new generation of leaders has, according to Pravda, opted to participate in activities like swimming, hiking and tennis in order to walk the line.

And while this article cites Putin as the ultimate example of a statesman refraining from the lure of vodka (remarking that Putin "only drank beer" during his last eight years in the Kremlin), how then, can anyone explain this disturbing footage coming straight out of Moscow?

Sorry, girls of "Singing Together", but it looks like your hero is someone who drinks...A LOT.

And shame on you Pootie-Poot, lay off the vodka!

Someone Like Putin? Thanks, But I Have A Date With OJ

Keeping in line with Putin's democratic ideals, it's nice to know that the leader is careful not to discriminate between genders when targeting political dissidents for execution (he's so thoughtful).

Anna Polikovskaya, seen in the picture to the left, was a well-known Russian journalist and human rights activist who was found dead in the elevator of her apartment building on October 7, 2006. She was an outspoken critic of the Chechen conflict and President Putin in particular. As one Washington Post columnist pointed out at the time of her murder, though, this was certainly not the first time a Russian journalist was murdered since Putin's rise to power in 2000.

In the article, the author remarks that the foreboding aspect about Anna's murder was that "there was no attempt to disguise it as a theft or an accident: Her assassin not only shot her in broad daylight, but he left her body in the elevator of her apartment building alongside the gun he used to kill her-standard practice for Moscow's arrogant hit men...whereas local thieves might have tried to cover their tracks, Polikovskaya's assassin, like so many other Russian assassins, did not seem to fear the law".

Hmmm...I wonder why these assassins would have no reason to fear the law? Perhaps it's because Polikovskaya's execution was ordered straight from the top as a warning to other Russian journalists and human rights activists that dissent would not be tolerated. Moreover, such an act of violence sends a clear message to the Russian people: democracy is being rolled back.

So, once again people around the world are left scratching their heads in bewilderment. Perhaps when the women of "Singing Together" said that they wanted someone like Putin who "wouldn't hurt them", somebody else should have replied "of course Putin would never hurt you ...but that's only because you'd be dead before he could."

Putin's Poisoned Relationship With The Russian Secret Service

Switching gears now (it can't all be fun and games, people), lets take a look at one of the most frightening examples of the extent to which Fuhrer Putin has gone to maintain his power as leader of Russia: the assassination of former KGB agent turned dissident writer, Alexander Litvinenko.

Litvinenko became a KGB officer in 1986 and moved his way up the ladder to Deputy Head of the Seventh section of the KGB in just six years. Starting in November 1998, he began publicly accusing his superiors of countless acts of corruption including, most notably, the assassination of Boris Berezovsky. After a series of proceedings over the next couple of years, he and his wife eventually fled to Great Britain and were granted political asylum.

But soon after his arrival in London, Litvinenko began writing books that charged Putin and the Russian Secret Services with staging multiple acts of violence (i.e. the infamous "apartment bombings" of 1999) in order to precipitate his rise to power. In November 2006, Litvinenko suddenly fell ill and was hospitalized. The cause of his death, which came three weeks later, was identified as exposure to radioactive polonium-210.

The Russian government, of course, denies any involvement in Litvinenko's death and forcefully states that the apartment bombings of 1999 were the work of Chechen separatists (despite any evidence supporting that charge).

Thus, while Putin's press groupies spend their time guaranteeing to the world that he is an exemplar of democracy and stability in Russia, for those of us who are not willfully stupid, it is painfully obvious that the blood of Litvinenko, and perhaps thousands of other innocents, is all over this guy's hands.

Putin? A Democratic leader? If he represents democracy, then by god, Alec Baldwin is the greatest actor of our time.

The Love Oasis

Hmmm...sounds like something right out of a brochure for a tropical vacation, right? Wrong! Sadly enough, The Love Oasis is just another name attached to one of Putin's demented ideas.

Last year, The Daily Mail reported that organizers of his latest youth movement exhorted Russian crowds to "remember the mammoths. They became extinct because they did not have enough sex. That must not happen to Russia" (of course, men across the world have used this exact same logic for centuries on their dates, but nonetheless, Putin is going to take the credit for this revolutionary rationale). Couples at these gatherings obediently move to a special section of the camp, a.k.a. The Love Oasis (seriously...stop laughing), in order to "procreate for the motherland".

According to the article, though, Putin's youth movement, which is eerily reminiscent of Hitler's youth movements, has become a central feature of Russia's political life. Attendance is monitored electronically and one can get expelled for missing too many events (but somehow I doubt that attendance is really an issue at these national frat parties).

In any event, it's no wonder that certain Russian women want "someone like Putin, full of strength"...so much sex must do wonders for a man's physique. I suppose that's why he still looks a little chubby around the midsection (have you seen his wife? can't blame the poor guy).

Vladimir Jamesbondovich Putin

Before delving into Putin's disturbing past, though, let's take a look at one of the hottest stories on him coming out of Moscow, as it is the subject of this week's poll question. It involves all the great ingredients of a Pulitzer worthy prize: scandal, sex, and intrigue. According to multiple sources, a Moscow newspaper that recently reported that President Putin had secretly divorced and was planning on marrying a 24-year old gymnast has been shut down.

Billionaire owner Alexander Lebedev, a former KGB agent, pulled the plug on Moscow Korrespondent hours after the Russian president issued an angry denial of the report about former Olympic gymnast and nude model, Alina Kabaeva.

Now...if the thought of Comrade Putine with this young girl makes you sick, you're not alone. That sound you hear is the international community groaning in unison. Ah well...if for nothing else, it's always nice to see that freedom of the press is alive and well in Putin's Russia.

For more on this guilty pleasure of a story, please click here.

24 Hours Later...

I am confident that even my non-Russian speakers have deduced the message of this elusive love song by now. The track comes from a trio of Russian women whose band is named "Singing Together" (very creative girls). The English Translation provides the fodder for the title of this blog.

***Disclaimer*** The lyrics below could be vomit-inducing.

I want someone like Putin.
My boyfriend has got himself into trouble again,
Had a fight, downed a lot of crap.
I'm so fed up with him, I dumped him,
And now I want someone like Putin.

Someone like Putin, full of strength,
Someone like Putin, who doesn't drink,
Someone like Putin, who doesn't hurt me,
Someone like Putin, who won't run away.

I saw him yesterday on the news,
He said that the world is at a crossroads.
Someone like him is easy to be with at home and with friends,
And now I want someone like Putin.

Someone like Putin, full of strength,
Someone like Putin, who doesn't drink,
Someone like Putin, who doesn't hurt me,
Someone like Putin, who won't run away.

According to an article published in USA Today, this "Putin Pop Song" soared to popularity in late 2002 following Putin's "decisive leadership" during a Moscow theatre siege by Chechen militants. Evidently, Russia just couldn't get enough of this former KBG goon.

And, well...neither can we. For information on Putin's shady past and ongoing corruption in the Kremlin, stay tuned.

The Best Of Putin

The inspiration for this blog came from a friend of mine who recently forwarded to me a link of a Russian language video that she thought I’d enjoy. To say that I enjoyed it, however, would be an understatement. This has got to be one of the most unintentionally hilarious videos on the internet today.

But fear not, those of you who can’t speak Russian (I’m still working on English myself). The message of this video should be quite clear to anyone with eyes and ears. So, sit back, relax, and enjoy this love song from Russia to Vladimir Putin!